Commitment

10 Aug Commitment

“COMMITMENT IS DOING WHAT YOU SAID YOU WOULD DO, AFTER THE FEELING THAT YOU SAID IT IN HAS PASSED.”

Many of us struggle with the idea of commitment.  We get invited to a party, or someone asks us to help them out, or we offer to do service in some way.  We say “yes” only to find that when the time comes to show up, we no longer feel like doing what we said we were going to do.  What do we do then?

Sometimes when we are asked to do something by someone else, we are all too happy at the time to agree to what is being asked.  If it is a party that sounds like fun, we say yes.  If someone asks us for help, our heart opens and we are all too happy to help out.  “Of course we will be there!” we say, and we mean it.  Then, the time comes to show up for the commitment and the feeling has changed from how we felt when we were initially asked.  We don’t feel like going anymore.  We would much rather do “this or that” rather than show up and do what we had promised.  When this happens and we are faced with a decision on whether to honor a commitment, we must really think about what our next move is.  Maybe there really are extenuating circumstances that cause us to have to change our plans.  Maybe we are physically ill or an emergency where a close friend or family member is in need.  Maybe we have realized we have overextended ourselves and decide to make the difficult decision to back out of the commitment in the interest of true self care.  If though, when we look back at our track record, we see a pattern of cancelling out on people, breaking commitments and backing out of things, the pattern is something that should be looked at and examined further as to why we don’t seem to be willing or able to honor a commitment.  If on the other hand, we readily show up and keep our word when it comes to commitments, then we can and should cut ourselves some slack and know that we typically do and will continue to show up in another way and at another time.  Cutting ourselves slack in this area is a good reminder that when someone backs out of a commitment with us, we can and should practice being compassionate and understanding with them.  It has to go both ways.

Why is it that we sometimes make a commitment and then, when the time comes, not follow through?  Maybe it was because at the time when we said “yes”, what we really meant to say was “no”.  In the moment we were asked, we didn’t want to disappoint the other person or we’re afraid they would be angry at us if we said no.  We take the easy way out in the moment and agree to something when inside we knew, we really didn’t want to do it in the first place.   Sometimes we agree to something we don’t want to do because we think if we say no this time, they may not ever ask us again.  In these instances, our fear of abandonment and rejection creep in to hinder our ability to take care of ourselves and be honest.  The funny thing is, while we may afraid of another person abandoning US in a relationship, when we say yes when we really mean no, we are actually abandoning ourselves to take care of someone else.  The result is often that we become resentful towards the other person when really we are the ones who are responsible for the outcome, not the other person. We point the finger outward when the truth is, we had no business agreeing to something we didn’t want to do in the first place.

When we honor a commitment, it is a way of demonstrating to others that we are trustworthy, honorable, and dependable.  Doing what you say you’re going to do is an important and necessary quality in relationships.  It creates a level of safety and trust between people when we do something we said we would do.  When we keep our word with commitments, it signal to others that we are not just talking a good talk, but that what we say is then backed up by our actions.  We have all come across people who promise us the world and claim to be one thing and then end up looking like something very different.

When we are placed in a position to respond to a request for our time and/or presence, we should carefully consider whether or not we are able to or even want to fulfill that commitment when asked.  If we are not sure, and sometimes we aren’t at the time when we are asked, it is worth taking some time before answering to really see what it is we want to do or are capable of doing.  If the answer is no, then the answer is no.  If the answer is yes, then do your best to keep the commitment.  Either way, being honest about wanting or not wanting to do something when asked is a way of honoring not only the commitment but the relationship itself.

Gwen Uss